Pride is Ugly
By Derek Sandstrom
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| Derek Sandstrom |
Pride is ugly. False pride may be even uglier.
I may not have thought too much of myself, but I sure thought a lot of my musical abilities. I went off to college to become the best high school band director around. I had gone to a high school with a championship band program, and I wanted to lead a band like that.
College went well. I was getting good grades and placing high in the top ensembles. But as I pursued my worldly goals for myself, I found I was drifting away from my young faith in Jesus. As the distance grew, I realized that I had been a phony, claiming to be a Christian, but not really following Him in any real way. I sensed God's call to my heart and responded. I told Him I wanted to follow Him for real.
I completed college and went out to student teach at a school with a large, championship band program. I was on track to do just what I wanted. But my music was all about competing, winning, and puffing up my own pride. It was not about giving glory to my God, just grabbing glory for myself. In truth, I still didn't feel good about myself. My music was just a crutch, propping me up, allowing me to avoid looking at the mess I was inside.
After a great experience student teaching, I tried my hand at teaching. But it wasn't training high school band members to compete at a high level. It was caring for elementary students who wanted to experience firm, loving care, and maybe do a little music. That didn't compute for me, and my sarcasm and angst didn't fly well with the little ones. They stopped listening to me early on. They could tell I wasn't in it for them. They were right. I saw them as my stepping stone to my "real" job. Bad motives, bad attitude, and bad preparation all met. I failed. My principal saw that my classroom was chaotic and a bad learning environment. I had no control over my class. She knew what was best, and what was best was firing me.
Was God surprised by any of this? Not at all! I had given Him permission to work in my life, and He was doing just that. He knew all about the rotten attitudes that needed to be exposed and purged. In the shame and lack of direction that followed my firing, I sought Him in earnest. God, I've made a mess of things, and I don't know why. Show me what to do. Please, don't leave me!
As a newlywed husband, I was not leading my family or providing. I was searching for who God wanted me to be. And that's when I found the Bible. My new wife and I began attending Bible seminars at the local Adventist church. We learned that God was more involved with mankind than we ever knew. Could He have a plan for my life, too?
After a time, He nudged me to give teaching another try. I was petrified, but willing. He got me an interview for a long-term substitute position in elementary music, and I got the job. But this time, with God in my heart and a humble attitude, I was able to care for my students. They loved me and I loved them. It was a wonderful experience. Then another interview and another job opportunity. Again, another chance with the young ones. Another wonderful time teaching children about music, loving them, and allowing Christ to shine His light through me. I was so blessed in ways I never would have experienced following my own plan.
Since then, God has called me out of teaching full-time and into full-time Christian music ministry. God's ways aren't always easy. Sometimes they even hurt a lot. But they are always best, and they are filled with blessings. To this day I have never led a high school band to victory as their director. But with His leading I have taught many children, written many songs, and sung to many congregations. I am glad to receive the blessings He knows I need even if they're not the ones I ask for.
Listen to Derek's song Thank You.
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