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My Extreme Makeover
By Anna Mock
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| Anna Mock |
One of my earliest memories is waking up to my mother’s screams. I would slip into the room and see my mom all bloodied up with my step-dad standing over her ready to continue beating her. My mom would see me and say, “It is OK. Go back to bed.” The message came through loud and clear, “Expect to get beat up when you are married. It is normal.”
When I was eleven years old, living in California, my military step-dad was shipped off to Vietnam, leaving Mom to raise five children on her own. One morning we got up and saw that Mom was sitting in a chair smoking a cigarette and appeared to be in a trance. She stayed there for days on end. We didn’t have any food in the house and Mom couldn’t give us any money, so I went to the grocery store and stole some food. My older sister cooked it for us.
After several days, a neighbor figured out there was a problem since she didn’t see mom and that we kids weren’t going to school. She called our grandma in Michigan. Grandma came and took care of us and got my step-dad home. My mother had experienced a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. Grandma took me back home to Michigan with her to live until Mom was better; when we got there, unexpectedly Grandpa decided to divorce Grandma. I thought I must be a jinx (Dad always told me that I was no-good), first my mom getting sick and then Grandpa leaving!
While living with Grandma a neighbor man took a friend and me fishing. While showing me how to cast the line, he grabbed me from behind and fondled me. I was terrified. When I told grandma she yelled at me as though it were my fault.
My mom had recurrent bouts of mental illness and episodes of violence—she would beat us with the broom and attempted to stab me in the back with a butcher knife. When I was 13 years old I took my mother’s car and drove a friend over 100 miles to see her boyfriend. My other brothers and sisters were basically taking care of themselves; shortly after my drive my step-dad was brought back from Vietnam again. He was furious with me for taking the car and grounded me. So I ran away.
I was mad at my dad and scared of my mom. I went to a friend’s house and she was mad at her folks too. So we took our clothes and a gun for protection and started walking along the highway. The police showed up and took us to jail. I stayed in jail a few weeks. In the meantime, my family moved across the country. The judge was furious with my parents for abandoning me. Grandma took custody and drove me across the country to be with my folks. But my mom was back in a state hospital. My step-dad told grandma I could spend the night, but he would kick me out in the morning. Grandma didn’t believe him and left me. But he kicked me out the next morning.
So there I was, turned loose on an army base. I was a blonde and very mature looking for a 13 year old. I went to the bowling alley and hooked up with this military guy. Within a few hours we were doing dope and having sex (not my first time). This continued with various guys for the next few weeks. Eventually we got caught and they placed me in foster care and disciplined my step-dad for kicking me out. He blamed me for all his problems.
Life continued like this for years—succession of geographic locations and people in my life, dope and sex always involved. I got involved with an outlaw motorcycle gang. I hung out with Greg for a couple years, then he was killed by a hit-and-run driver. Then there was Blair. One day he called and told me to meet him in Oklahoma. Later I found out he had murdered someone and was a fugitive. We were transporting drugs by this time. We both got busted. I pleaded guilty of transporting drugs and got a suspended sentence, but was ordered to leave the state.
Larry was next. He is the only guy that didn’t beat me. About this time my sister had a baby. She wanted to turn her life around and asked if I could help her. I was eager and very happy to help my sister; but after only a few weeks of caring for the infant child, Shannon, my sister returned to the street life and left her precious daughter with me and Larry. I was able to gain custody of Shannon and thought that everything was going to be “peachy,” but then Larry was unfaithful to me and I broke up with him. Then there was Tim. Later Andrew, a rich quadriplegic, I figured he couldn’t hurt Shannon or me, so we got married. But that didn’t work out either.
Eventually I arrived in Kelso, Washington in 1988. Shannon started kindergarten and I took a class entitled “Women in Transition” at Lower Columbia College. We had an opportunity to attend a John Bradshaw seminar called, “Healing the Child Within.” He asked us to remember events in our lives. Everything he asked us to remember was either awful or absent from my memory. Finally he said “If you want to heal the child within you, if you have a substance abuse problem you have to get rid of that first." I got hooked up with drug rehabilitation counselors as an outpatient. That was the beginning of the end of drugs in my life.
I started attending Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings every day, sometimes twice a day. I did that for the first six years after getting clean. I tried everything that they told me would be helpful. I discovered the Steps really come from the Bible. I started asking myself what I believed and what I wanted to do with my life. I knew it was God. I was just a young teenager when I started doing drugs and my emotional maturity had stopped then. As I stopped drugs, I started maturing inside. I surrendered my emotions to God. I didn’t want to pass on the sin of anger, hate, yelling and screaming to my children. I wanted them to have a better life than I had.
I tried several churches. Finally I found one where I sensed the presence of God. I saw Shannon truly happy and worshiping God. But we were new to the church scene and I was overly sensitive. After a couple incidents where I felt put-down we quit going to church.
At a NA meeting I met Duane. I discovered that his background was as messed up as mine—only in a different way. He is a gentle soul. We got married and then my son Noah was born. Shannon was 12 by then.
Noah started kindergarten in public school. After a few months I knew that public school was not where I wanted him to be, and withdrew him. We drove down West Side Highway where I had seen a sign for a church-related school, went into the office and announced that I wanted to enroll my son in the school. They were dumbfounded and asked if I didn’t want to at least tour the school. I told them "no." I knew that this is where God wanted him to be! They agreed. I am sure it was God that led me to that school. A few weeks later they asked if I would like to help with the Home and School organization (like PTA). I was delighted to discover that someone I had worked with years before was the leader. I knew God was at work in my life.
God used NA to help me accept myself as a human being who needed him; and in doing so I was able to accept others as they are. As I grew emotionally, I discovered that I wanted and needed a closer and more personal relationship with God, so I began going to church again. It was so easy to talk to Pastor Dave Livermore. He had been an alcoholic too, and understood me in a way that many others could not. He asked me if I wanted to do a Bible study. I had been baptized a couple times, but had never studied the Bible. I did Bible studies with Pastor Doug. I enjoyed those afternoons spent asking questions and receiving such patient and detailed answers.
I came to the realization that I had a Father, and a family and I did not have to roam anymore!!! I gladly accepted Christ as my Savior and had the privilege of Pastor Doug baptizing me in the river! I have grown to realize that even when I was at my worst, God never abandoned me. He was always at work in my life.
Sometimes, I have bouts of feeling sorry for myself, anger, and painful memories from my childhood blur the reality of my current circumstances. God is always there and gets my attention with gentle reminders of the gifts he has given me—Duane, Shannon, Noah and Courtney (my granddaughter) and a church family that accepts me as I am. As I look back on my life, I can see how God was protecting me through all those tumultuous year; I was never seriously hurt or stricken with an incurable disease. What a miracle!
My life is sweeter now than I ever could have imagined. In May 2007, I celebrated 18 years without the use of drugs. I have a real family and a nice home. I have a good relationship with my Mom. During the summer of 2006 my joy overflowed when Duane, Shannon and Noah all were baptized in the river. My marriage is even better now since we are both going to church together. Surely God is good all the time.
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